Thursday, April 28, 2011

Heart happy

Need a heart happy moment?!  I've got just the thing for you! 

Here are some videos from the day Joey was born.  Please, forgive me, I've been on this whole nostalgic roller coaster ride of emotion in anticipation of Joey being a grown up six month old.  Oh, and please excuse my nasty, just birthed, gained 50 pounds during pregnancy, close to a stroke and on horrible medication to keep me from seizing face.  It was a rough 2 days of labor!





And if that didn't tickle your fancy, check out the outfit Rick dressed Joey in this morning....



I let the daycare lady know it was not my fault our child looked like a freak this morning.  This is alllllll Ricks doing.

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Nakie

I consider us to be pretty down to earth, free thinking, lovers in tune with our creative side and our desire to find fun.  We get crazy and fight about the woes of the world and get caught up in "the god damn government," and how its ruining our lives, but for the most part, we like to laugh and be creative, sing, dance and make art. 

This is cool, this I like, but I am a little frightened about Mr. Rickster and his influence on our sweet baby boy. 

For instance:

A few days ago, Rick in undies (in our living room), is singing at the top of his lungs, and dancing to Neil Young with sweet baby Joe watching in amazement.  All the while I am asking him to hurry up and take a shower while he is begging "common one more song!"  Now, singing, great...dancing, mmm yeah, ok I can get down with that but, why the undies!  I swear this guy cannot keep his pants on to save his life.  Oh, but I guess I should be happy he even had undies on....some of you may or may not have heard about the naked breakfast incident.....

Is my child destined to be a naked boy singing oldies in our living room?  Is he going to spend the night at a friends house and sleep naked, eat breakfast naked, and then sing and dance naked in their living room?  Is he going to inherit my amazing dance skills and then tarnish them with nakedness!! 

I have a sneaky suspicion we have a long road of explanations to interested parents ahead of us.

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Time flies

While home from work yesterday I had the opportunity to do a lot of reflecting on the last few months.  While scouring through a variety of thoughts, it hit me; Joey will be six months old in a matter of days!

I cannot believe how fast six months has gone and how much our lives have changed in such a short period of time...

With the arrival of Joey came so many of life's huge realizations.  I believe I have a better understanding of why we are here and what unconditional love really is.  The love for my partner has been reaffirmed and I believe the last six months have laid the foundation for many many years to come.  Through all our bickering and all our hours of desperation, I have come to truly believe Joey was meant for Rick and myself, and this is exactly where we are supposed to be.  Its crazy how such a tiny person can reaffirm so many of life's huge things.

Then I got to thinking....I need to make a better effort of appreciating this little being, and his big being father, for what they are.  Sometimes, though, when you're stuck in a rut and the routine is the same day after day, it's really easy to become complacent.  For some reason its always easier for me to think of the negative then to stop and smell the roses and just be thankful. 

My men are difficult, they are smelly and they test every fiber of my being, but they are mine.  And I appreciate them for all that they are and all that they do for me.

So, in honor of Joey's impending six month milestone, I thought I would share some pictures from the day he was born.  His Grammie Caroline took these hours after he was born.  It's so crazy to see him so tiny and so new.  The tiny burrito has come a long way in six months....

Enjoy....











Saturday, April 23, 2011

SUN!!!!!!!!

Hell hath frozen over.  There was sun AND warmth in Seattle and the surrounding areas today. 

I could try to put into words how amazingly awesome the sun is and how it makes my life as a mom a million times easier and more enjoyable, but I just don't think I could do it justice.  The sun gives me and my family a whole new perspective on life.  For real, the real deal life stuff.  It opens the door to sooooo many opportunities and allows us to leave our house and make our baby so incredibly happy.  Joey LOVES being outside and he magically becomes an easy baby.  My baby, becomes an absolute joy and I will forever love sun because of it.

We have been renewed.  Our sanity has come back to us, our love tanks are full, and our kid is happy.  Ahhhhhh it feels good to be among the normal.  This is how the other half lives.

Here are some pictures from our adventures today.  We ventured out to Richmond beach, and in true Armon/Callahan style, we happen to try to go to the beach during the 2 hours that the beach is actually closed for an Easter egg hunt.  Ugh, but! we persevered and found a lovely patch of grass to just sit and chill on.  It was great.  Then Joey and I went to the dog park with friends and then off to another friends house for a visit. 

And Joey was a perfect angel the entire time.  I love him.

Joey's first grass experience.  Love at first sight.


I started to realize his bright white head had never really seen sunlight, so we covered it before it could get sun burned.

The momma and her babies.

End result.  Pure joy.

Friday, April 22, 2011

Winning!!? Not so much.

I started to notice something about myself recently that I am a little ashamed of.  Well, no, scratch that, I'm not ashamed of anything.  I am just a tiny bit weirded out about how much time and effort I put into worrying about and trying to one up other moms.  I hope all moms do it!

In my world, my baby and everything associated with him, is in direct competition with other babies his age.  It goes a little something like this....

Your baby sleeps through the night?  Oh, well my baby prefers to wake up every 4 hours to exercise his brain.  He is choosing to be ultra smart and that can only be accomplished through brain stimulation every 3-4 hours.  Sleep interferes with that, but I would rather have a super intelligent child down the road than a full nights sleep now.

Your baby doesn't cry when you put him down?  Oh, well my baby likes me the best so he cries whenever someone else is with him.  It's like this ultra awesome bond that we have with each other that no one else can break.  We're cosmically connected and this connection will really come in handy during his teenage years.

Your baby sits up all by himself?  Oh, well my baby chooses not to sit up yet because he doesn't want to strain his back and neck muscles and have years of chiropractic appointments ahead of him.

Your baby is starting to crawl?  Oh, well my baby prefers to perfect one thing at a time.  He would rather bet he best at something and then move on to the next thing, as opposed to just being ok at something.  Like your kid is just ok at crawling, while my kid is AMAZING at rolling over. 

Your baby's teeth have come all the way in?  Oh, well my baby doesn't want to force his body to do anything.  He is more in tune with what his needs are emotionally and therefore doesn't need things like teeth to make him feel good about himself.  His teeth are choosing to take their time and we're ok with that.

As you can see my baby is choosing the road less travelled.  He goes to the beat of his own drum and does stuff in his own time in his own way.  And, it drives me nuts.  Its so hard to have the winning baby when you have to make weird shit up about how cool it is that your baby isn't doing all the awesome stuff that someone elses baby is doing!!!!

Happy Easter, friends.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

The good ol Well Child exam

Well Child check ups always excite me.  In the 2 months between the appointments I seem to always have a new laundry list of items to discuss with the ever so handsome Dr. Richter.  Mmmmm Dr. Richter.

So Joey goes in on May 6th and I, gasp!, will not be attending.  Holy cow, poor Rick.  I am going to drill his ass the second he gets out of that appointment.  Not to mention, probably make him a print out, laminated (so its waterproof, duh), copy of the list of items I need him to go over.  Probably will incorporate some flash cards and a rehearsal appointment too.  Just to be sure he understands exactly what I want him to go over.  Ya know, I should probably have him record the entire appointment too...he will never remember the answer to every question.  And when Rick is faced with a question he doesn't quite know, he makes shit up.  You can imagine how well that is received by me. 

ANYWAY, a lot of the items on my list are pure insanity.  Use your imagination and imagine the craziest question ever to ask about your 6 month old, now multiply that by 100, and those are the types of questions I want to ask.  Some, though, have some serious merit. 

Currently, the topics at the top of my mind start with ear rubbing.  Joey has been rubbing the crap out of his right ear, a lot.  He doesn't have a fever though and it doesn't seem to bother him very much.  He just rubs and rubs and rubs, almost like its itchy.  So, that is number one. 

Number 2 will be all about teething.  We see the damn teeth in there, we see that tiny little poke trying to poke through, so why wont they just pop all the way out!!?  Is it normal to take this long, or were we just blessed with an extremely long teether.  Which, I of course would not be shocked if we just so happen to have a year long teether. 

Third question will be about his acid reflux.  He doesn't sound any better, and doesn't puke less.  He was sleeping through the night, now he's not.  Soooooo is it safe to assume at this point that there might be something else going on....a dairy allergy perhaps?  If we could just get this one thing figured out I would kiss the Dr's face right off.  MMMmmmm Dr. Richter.

So, that's where our heads are at for Joey's 6 month check up.  Rick has his work cut out for him on this one.  You would think, though, after 2 straight years of me being a complete psycho, he would know exactly what to do, and how to report back to me. 

And you would be wrong.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

NO SUGAR DAMN IT!

Jam.  Really?

Apparently I haven't made myself clear enough to the person I cohabitate with.  Maybe the tone I used wasn't clear enough (very doubtful), maybe he heard one thing and I meant another (again, doubtful). 

He just isn't listening.

He fed Joey jam this morning.  Oh, the insanity!

I know, over dramatic.  BUT I am a freak about this sugar thing.  Rick is allowed to pick some things that he gets to be weird about without me objecting (ie church).  But, he refuses to let me have this thing to be an overprotective, freak of nature about.

I don't want my kid to be exposed to crazy amounts of sugar at the ripe old age of 5 months. 

All I can envision is this....


And this....



And not to mention the hyperactivity and addiction to simple sugars. 

First, I know my baby will not be drinking coke in the near future, second, I know my baby is not an obese Chinese child that loves McDonalds.  BUT that is because I will not allow it to happen.  By means of strict control of sugar and all sugar's deadly little friends. 

SUGAR IS THE DEVIL. 

And, if Joey's lineage says anything about his future, he will be a child afflicted with the ever so lovely, your friend, and mine, ADD. 

So lets not add fuel to that fire, please!     RICK!

The kid likes nature...

Well, my demon child defied the odds and, from what I hear, was a sweet boy for his grandparents.  No major meltdowns and no huge traumatic events.  Thank. God.

And, I think we're on to something....Joey was outside at a softball game for 3 hours, and he was great.  He was outside with us at the dog park on Sunday, and did great.

The boy wants to be outside.  Preferably upright in the front pack.

I can't blame him, I would be bummed too if I couldn't move and I was trapped in a living room for most my life.  But, the weather...don't even get me started.  You can't freaking trust that you won't go outside and get trapped in a torrential downpour, so we've been forced inside for most of Joey's 5 months of life.  Super lame, I get it.  So I think from no on, wherever we go, we will be putting Joey in the front pack, and walking around with him.  He really really enjoys it and I think the amount of stimulation really helps with his attitude and his sleeping.  I will look like a complete retard with my huge pre-teen sized infant attached to the front of my body, but hey, I'll do anything. 

ADDED BONUS - He weighs like a billion pounds so it could be a win win.  Mommy's ass gets smaller and Joey is a sweet angel boy.  I like the sound of that.

Monday, April 18, 2011

Fingers crossed

It is so incredibly hard having a child with, what I am assuming is, multiple personalities.  You dread public, you are embarrassed when people come to your house and witness your "situation," you pray and pray that he behaves when he is with other people and freak yourself out trying to plan for any and all personalities that may present themselves in your absence.  You over prepare and over accomodate and try to explain every different personality and how that particular one likes to be dealt with.  Its exhausting.

Nice Joey is content just sitting there looking out the window, personality #34 likes to be held all day, personaility #21 likes to look at himself in the mirror and smile (but you have to be holding him at a certain angle to accomplish this), Joey #12 likes to be read to, but don't try and doing that with Joey #4 or you will be sorry.  Joey #6 likes to cuddle but Joey #27 would rather lay in his bed alone.

You can imagine how hard it is to try and explain this to someone else.  So, we don't.  We try not to let Joey hang out with anyone who hasn't known him since birth, and has thus been introduced to most of his 583 personalities.  This is extremely limiting as you can assume.  And basically the only person we can turn to is Shannon.  But I even have to remind her not to shake him if she gets too frustrated. 

So, today Joey has a date with Grandma.  Probably for a total of 3 hours, most of which, will be outside.  Something most of Joey's 583 personalities like.  But, I am fearful that he will do something and freak the eff out and give my mother a run for her money.  Then she'll hate him and think he's an asshole.  Then I'll be sad because no one wants their kid to be an asshole, especially to their Grandma. 

So I will spend the rest of the day sweating and anticipating the "your kid is an asshole," text.  I hope Joey shocks the hell out of me, but I am definitely not holding my breath. 

Fingers crossed. 

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Early morning check session

A little perspective is very helpful sometimes when you need to check yourself.  Before you wreck yourself.

As Joey arose from his tiny man slumber at 3:30 a.m., my first instinct was to get all sorts of crazy and frazzled.  Then I took a second and reflected;  I put him down at 8:30 pm, it's 3:30 a.m., add the one, carry the two, divide by 4....that's 7 hours of sleep the little guy put down.  Obviously I'm not going to be overjoyed and ecstatic about being up at 3:30 on a work night, but hey, I should be thankful he slept as long as he did.  It's my own fault for not going to bed at the same time he did, which, really, is a lot easier said than done, let's get real people. 

Side Note:  Coming soon to a blog near you....crawling!!!  Well, don't get too excited, I should probably call it "almost crawling."  It's precious and I'll get a video of it soon for your viewing pleasure. 

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

We attract dysfunction

Rick is going to hate that I am outing him and his bad behavior, but such is life.  This is my blog and I'll do what I want.

So, Rick and I got into a heated argument the other day.  I believe it was a run of the mill money, laundry, or cleaning argument.  The fact that I can't recall exactly what it was about, means it was a pretty lame argument. 

But, I said something or Rick said something and made me say something, or something like that.  And, our kitchen cabinet paid the price.  Big time.  Armondo fist, straight through the sucker.  Ok, great.  Captain douche has done it again....whatever, fix my cabinet A-hole.

This was about a week ago.  So, yesterday I am talking to Rick after he picked up Joey.  I demand he call me everyday after he picks Joey up to get the 4-1-1 on Joey's behavior at daycare.  Basically I want to hear that he was a good boy and that our daycare lady didn't shake him or punch his lights out (yes I actually worry that she will do this even though she is the sweetest lady in the world). 

This is how the convo went down...

Rick:  "good news, I am getting contact info for this lady that can repair our cupboard." 

Me:  "Yay, thats great......Wait a minute...Where did you get this info?"

Rick:  "I went into Tanya (our daycare lady)'s garage and was talking to her husband.  He was sanding their cupboards to get them ready for this lady to come in and refinish their cabinets.  I kinda told him what happened...."

Me:  "Oh freaking great, now our daycare lady knows how dysfunctional we are.  Now we are the freaks that get in arguments and end up with broken shit"

Rick:  "No no no, after I told him what happened and asked for his cupboard lady's contact info, he pointed across the garage at a busted cupboard door...HE HIT HIS CUPBOARD RECENTLY TOO!!"

Me:  "Perfect."

We're dysfunctional, and without even know it, we have hired a daycare lady with the same dysfunction.

Monday, April 11, 2011

Cranky Pants

Cranky pants are on.  Feeling a bit like a big ol failure at life, and the mom game.

This effing yoga b.s. is really starting to get on my nerves.  Haven't lost a single pound.  Not one.  I sweat my ass off and I get nothing.  I am not even more peaceful.  I sit there the entire time looking at all the skinny people and get enraged.  WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE!?  And why do they even come to yoga....I know why, to make fat people like me sad. 

Ugh, and to make matters worse I suck at balance, I can't bend right and I can't do this....


Can you do that!?  Wait, don't tell me, I'll just get more depressed. 

It is literally IMPOSSIBLE for me to put my legs like that and bend over.  And, that wouldn't be so horrible, if I weren't literally the only person who couldn't do it (well, mom can't do it either, but she doesn't count).  What is defective in my body that makes this an impossibility!?  I suck.

Another thing that's buggin is my freakish tendency to check on my child every hour or so.  Why can't I get it through my thick skull that he is breathing, and will continue to breathe!  I will be laying in bed and this freak feeling and visions of Joey sitting in his crib not breathing and us walking into his room finding him dead in the morning will bombard my brain.  I get up at least 4 times a night to check on my snoring baby.  I even go so far as to ask Rick to check on him.  I ask him things like "you think Joey is breathing," "he wouldn't just die would he?"  Who does that!?  I am so annoying.

Then there is the ever present freak out about bills and how much shit costs.  Gas is BUGGIN and seriously screwing with my budget.  I plan and plan and plan and we still spend too much money.  Then I sit here and freak out about it and hate the feeling of failing at life.  We have money, we do fine, but I obsess about it and I dread going to the gas station or having to buy formula.  Its like spending money on tampons.  They are so damn expensive, but you have to buy them.  Ugh!

Is your house a puke factory?  Mine is.  Everything has puke on it.  We have done nothing to help Joey with this and he is still squeaky as ever.  I failed at fixing him and now I feel guilty for giving him this medicine that hasn't helped him at all. 

And, lets get real, I still can't believe I pissed myself.  My pee hole should be stronger than this.  My baby couldn't have damaged it that bad....I am 25, I'm not supposed to be a pee'er yet.  My "ladies," are pee'ers and they are almost twice my age!  And they only pee with the occasional sneeze and cough, I peed catching my kids pee. 

UGH UGH UGH.

And, I can't even drown my sorrows because then I would be convinced I am a horrible drunkard of a mother.  Whaaaaaa


OH, and how about this little gem....after our 3 and a half hour creepy Sunday extravaganza, we're watching a DVD on our new DVD player and Rick has the odacity to say, "do you hear that."  I try to pretend I don't hear the extremely large amount of noise coming from the super high quality, one of a kind, top of the line, new DVD player (it cost 29.99 give me a break...the budget!!).  So he says, "huh, must have a family of gerbils in it...running super fast to make the DVD spin."  What. A. Douche. 

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Creepy Sunday

Our DVD player broke.  To any other normal family this would be no big deal.  For us, it was a fiasco.  A three and a half hour trip that we dubbed "creepy Sunday." 

I take most the responsibility for this mishap, only because I am the Jewiest person on Earth.  Love me a sale, and HATE paying a lot of money for stuff.  So, we go to Value Village in search of a DVD player.  First Value Village (yes we went to more than one), no luck.  Rick demands a remote.  Of course he demands a remote.  Because he likes to be as difficult as possible and weird about the weirdest stuff.  That mixed with my extra Jewy behavior, makes most tasks that involve buying things virtually impossible.

So, on to the next place. 

We pull up and notice this odd little "marketplace."  Hey, we like marketplaces, so we enter.  We must have entered a freak convention, a marketplace of the weirdest people and oddities on planet Earth.  No problem, we are kinda weird, so we proceed.  After about a half hour, a dance in a fur coat done by yours truly, I snap back to reality and say we got. to. go. NOW.  I was over it, I was creeped out to the max and we are still sans DVD player.

Luckily, or so I thought, there were 2, count em, 2 thrift stores attached to this "marketplace."  Coincidence, I think not.  Now, because my creeped out o'meter was at its tipping point, we were in these stores for a grand total of 5 minutes before I called an end to our misery. 

Still no DVD player.

So then we do what any red blooded Americans would do, we stop at Jack in the Box, get a fountain soda, and head to Walmart.  Hell, if we can't find one at a thrift store, we sure as hell can find a cheap one at Walmart.

We reached a new dimension of creepy in the Walmart parking lot. 

Joey was screaming, per usual.  And we noticed he needed to be changed.  By noticed, I don't mean we thought oh, its been awhile and he's cranky, he must need to be changed.  No, that would be too easy.  By noticed, I mean, we see his clothes are wet.  Shit, we are shitty parents and let our kid sit in pee forever, no wonder he's so pissed.  No problem, we're prepared.  So we take Joey's clothes off and realize we ARE the shittiest parents in the world because our kid wasn't sitting in pee, he was sitting in poop.  The wetness on his clothes was from poop juice.

Again, we're calm, we're collected, we got this.  So, we lay him in the back seat, get his clothes off and start wiping him down.  THEN my douchey kid, looks at me and smiles and starts pissing all over the backseat.  Of course.  Somehow finding the hilarity in all this I start uncontrollably laughing, all while holding my hand over Joeys junk to catch the pee.  Then it happens...I piss myself.  Not kidding.  My pee hole just gave out and I pissed. 

Thankfully Ricks pee hole is in good working condition, and he finishes cleaning Joey up while I work on cleaning myself up.  At this point I am still semi wet, Joey is all smiles and Rick can't believe the turn of events.  Trying to make me feel better Rick comments that half the people in Walmart have probably pissed themselves at least once today so its no big deal, and we enter the store.

We finally got our DVD player.  3 hours, lots of pee/poop and a million laughs later. 

We also ended up with a ton of books for Joey, and some sweet shades....



On our way home Rick said he understands now why we never leave the house.  "Creepy Sunday," was successful, and now we never have to go anywhere ever again.  Thank God.

Saturday, April 9, 2011

Hats!!?

When we became parents we knew our life would be changed forever.  We knew our Friday nights would no longer turn into early Saturday mornings and there would be a lot less alcohol included in our idea of a fun time.

I could have never imagined our idea of fun would have turned into what it is now....dressing up our kid in weird shit and taking pictures of him.

I present to you, our newest idea of a good time, hats.....

 Here we have the ever popular, snow hat aka freaking adorable hat.


This is a Russian hat?  I think he looks a lot like Boris Yeltsin, thus Russian hat.



I don't think words are necessary.  Probably the best one we have.


The who from Whoville hat.  Precious as all hell, and equally ridiculous.  Pure joy.


Unfortunately I liken this hat to a cancer patient hat, so, we don't like this hat.


Yeah!  Baseball hat and a cute little face.


Gangster, "I'm going to be in the NBA someday," hat.

So, there you have it.  It was hat night in the Armon/Callahan household.  We are full fledged freaks of nature and are trying our damnedest to pass it on to our child.  And, lets be honest, these will prove to be great bargaining tools later in life.  Blackmail photos!

OH!  While this atrocity was taking place, we noticed something quite awesome...


We have hair growth!!!!  Do you see it, do you see it!?  It doesn't matter if you can see it or not, I can see it.  Ahhhh, joy.  Now we wont have to spring for the baby toupee!  This would be tragic....







Friday, April 8, 2011

Hope

While Joey and I were home together yesterday we sat and watched the documentary Restrepo.  In the movie, cameras followed a platoon of US soldiers during deployment in one of the deadliest regions in Afghanistan. 

When we finished the movie I was overcome by this strong feeling of despair and sadness.  I felt sick to my stomach.  These men are people's kids.  They are brothers, uncles, cousins, neighbors, co-workers, best friends.  But most terrifying and important of all, these men belong to a mom. 

When I first became pregnant Rick and I both worried about the world we were bringing our child into.  Over my lifetime the world has become an increasingly terrifying place.  After 9/11 we no longer feel safe in our own country.  We have seen great tragedies and have gone through the pain of sending friends and family members off to war. 

As parents we are supposed to put our children in a position where they can become better and do better than we did.  How is this possible when we keep fighting wars we can't win and can't afford.  Will Joey be better off because of the work our soldiers have done?  I don't know the answer to that and it is terrifying. 

My biggest hope is that Joey won't have to pay for our mistakes.  I hope he won't have to fight because we chose to.  I hope so much more for him than to be used as a means to an end.  I don't want him to live in a world where being "American" is shameful or considered fighting words.  I don't want him to have to fight for other people's unrealistic expectations of how they want the world to be.  I don't ever want him to be in a position where he has to kill or be killed. 

The soldiers in this movie were forever changed.  They were not the same men their families sent off to war.  They were damaged.  I can't imagine the pain these men and their families go through.  And I hope I never have to feel it. 

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Are you there God?

This will be a post about the little voice inside my head that asks God for a million things at all hours of the day.  While we aren't a particularly religious household (by not particularly, I mean not at all) He/She has become my best friend in times of desperation.  I ask God for a bevy of things....last night, for instance, "please God let this child shut up and stop looking at me."  For some reason Joey looking at me put me in a place of desperation that found the little voice inside my head asking God for help.  It was 2:30 am, give me a break...the kid would not stop blinking at me with his playful "I'm not tired and I'm not going back to sleep," eyes.  This led to "please God don't make me sleep on his floor," and then "God damn it."  Recent pleas include; "God why are you doing this to me," "God please keep this kid awake until at least 8:30," "God please, no more puking," "Dear God why are you testing me, I'm weak, I give in, HELP."

I guess a non religious person asking God for help is as useful as asking Santa for the same help.  But, for some reason it makes me feel better.  I don't expect some all knowing voice to over power my weak and feeble one and lay down some sort of divine wisdom in my time of need.  I think I just need someone to talk to.  And, I can't talk out loud, and it would be weird to have a conversation with someone I actually know in my head, so God it is. 

P.S. I was up at 2:30 am because after 2 full weeks of sleeping through the night, Joey decided he didn't want to do that anymore.  I am not lying when I say my kid goes out of his way to fuck with us. 

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Farts and smiles

I think I've done a pretty good job of making my child sound miserable, so I thought I would let you guys in on what makes my child so amazing.  Yes, he is amazing.  Here are a few things that I LOVE about my baby.

1.  I love our morning conversations.  Joey is an extremely talkative child and I love that he has so much to say and isn't scared to tell us about it.  I equally love that because its all jibberish to us, I don't know if he's telling me I look fat, or that I'm pissing him off...I just believe he is telling me how awesome and pretty I am.

2.  I love that he is a gentle little being that just wants to be loved.  A lot like his father in this respect.  Very large and doesn't quite know how his awkward size makes cuddling almost impossible.  But, when that baby wants a hug, or wants to be loved, he wants is and he gives in and lets his weight sink into you.  Best feeling ever.

3.  My baby farts.  A LOT.  Him and his father could go toe to toe.  I didn't know baby farts could stink as bad as they do, but I find it pretty hilarious and almost precious.  Its kind of interesting that the first real things they do that prove they are human is smile and fart. 

4.  There is something about just looking at this little creature knowing you made it.  Every little body part and nuance about this baby was made by you.  I love that.  I love that something so innocent and perfect is the product of mine and Ricks love for each other.

5.  Joey + mirror = pure comedy.  The kid loves his own face.  He tilts his head to the side, smiles and checks himself out and laughs.  He is literally obsessed with himself.  I can't quite figure out if he just thinks he is really good looking, or if he thinks he is talking to another baby.  Either way, its funny and ridiculously cute. 

There's tons of stuff that this little thing does on a daily basis that drive me up the wall....he is only 5 months old and he is a handful.  But, there are tons of other special moments that remind me why we are doing this.  There is a sweet man inside this tiny little guy and he absolutely melts my heart.  He's lucky too, being cute at the exact moment I have wanted to throw him, has probably saved his ass a time or two.  Kidding.  But its like he knows that he has pushed me really really far and then he will do the cutest thing and we'll laugh together. 

Here's a video of one of our morning convo's when Daddy was in Hawaii.  How could you not love his face right off!  And, yes, that is my attention starved dog waiting for love.  Like always. 

Monday, April 4, 2011

Joey Fail #654

I would like Joey to learn how to un-roll over.  The appeal is gone, the novelty has worn off.  I get it, kid, you can roll over.  Now, please stop, you're bugging me.

The kid is a rolling over freak.  But it ends at the roll over, thats all the kid has.  Once he's there he either pukes (99.9% of the time), or cries because he can't move.  So roll back over!  Oh no, that would be too easy.  Instead, he cries because he kicks and kicks and kicks and is still in the same place.  AND THEN he gets tired of holding his head up so he face plants on the ground in the EXACT place he laid down a healthy pile of puke.  So, he's crying and bashing his head into puke.  Fail.

Un roll over please.

Advice? No thank you!

Rick and I learned a very valuable lesson this weekend (more so Rick than myself, naturally).  Trust your instincts, and never let someone skew your idea of what you think you should do. 

No matter how many children someone has or how long someone has been around kids, or even how many stupid books a person has read on children and parenting, no one, and I mean no one, knows my kid better than I do.  Period.

One of the most annoying things about becoming parents is being bombarded with 6 trillion experts advice of parenting.  And when I say expert, I mean everyone you know that has had a child.  That is apparently the only qualification needed to make one an expert.  They are parenting Gods and have all the answers.  Don't believe me, just ask them. 

I get it.  You had a kid.  Congratulations, that really truly is amazing and I know how much hard work went into that accomplishment.  But you didn't have MY kid.  My kid is a new breed of dysfunction.  The shit that worked when you had your children doesn't work on my kid.  He's a rare mutation and a new code is required.  You do not speak my kid's language.

Joey is like me.  He is going to try as hard as possible to be as difficult as possible.  He keeps score and he wants to win just as bad as I do.  He's a Scorpio for crying out loud!

So, in this particular situation this weekend, Rick (sorry man) let someone give him advice on what he should do.  He chose to ignore his instincts, and my verbal directions, and take this advice.  You can imagine how this ended up.  Tears were shooting out of Joey's face, there was screaming and kicking, it was basically a full fledged meltdown of epic proportion. 

Lesson learned. 

As much as Joey's hard headedness and unwavering determination to be difficult is annoying, I kind of enjoy that about him.  I see a lot of myself in those traits and its really interesting to see your personality in mini form.  He doesn't let shit slide and he will be the first to put you in check.  He's awesome just the way he is.