Sunday, January 29, 2012

Complaining again...

You know the old adage "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all."

That's us.

I created this blog in an attempt to keep distant relatives in the know and on board with all things Joey.  I wanted them to see him as much as possible and follow his development even though they might not get to see it first hand.

It has also served as a place for me to get it all out.  Let my mommy flag fly and talk about stuff I didn't think a lot of moms were talking about.  Like not liking your kid all the time.  Or mommy guilt, difficult babies, medical crap, overbearing grandmas, etc...

But, while reading previous posts I get the "whiny" mom vibe.  I think I sound like a mom who complains 24/7 about her kid.  Always complacent, always some blown out of proportion issue or some b.s. poor me, I'm a mom crap.  And that is absolutely not what I want to do and not what I want Joey to look back on and read when he is in high school and wants to know how he grew up.

Unfortunately the reality of the situation is things sucks right now.  We are struggling as a family, as parents and as individuals.  Our equilibrium is all sorts of messed up and we are fighting like crazy to get back to "normal."  And unfortunately that's just the way it is.

So at the risk of sounding like a whiny bitch, here goes....

Joey cries.  All the time.  From the time we get him in the house at night to the time he goes to bed, he cries.

Joey's blood tests STILL aren't normal.  Liver function is remarkably better, but still not normal.  And now we see moderate atypical lymphocytes.  Basically virus fighting lymphocytes are still present and flowing through his system which indicates he is still "sick."

Joey now hates the doctor.  Dr. Richter called and said he is very hesitant to do any more medical interventions because he saw a dramatic change in his demeanor during his last visit.

We are struggling with the thought and intuition that something is seriously wrong with Joey but not wanting to fight for that or accept that.

We question our ideals, our parenting strategy and our choices in life on a daily basis and we are exhausted. We always expected Joey to be a difficult baby but we didn't expect a years worth of struggle.  We didn't expect to be this broken this early in.

So, that's it.  We are exhausted, we are on round 5 of illness and not completely over the seizure and we're constantly trying to strategize the best parenting move possible.

We have another appointment with our ped on Wednesday.  He asked that Rick and I both be there so we can take a full circle approach to Joey's behavior and potential sickness/illnesses.  Lets look at the numbers, see what the tests indicate and lets listen to what we see in our child on a daily basis.  At the very least we can be thankful we have a doctor that understands the importance of us saying "I don't care what the tests say, something just isn't right with our child."

Sorry for the doom and gloom.  There is a lot of great developmental things going on with him that I promise to fill you in on, but currently this is our big Joey thing.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Don't have kids if you are even a tiny bit unstable.

We are at a low. 

And we are shitty parents because we have lost it.

I did the unthinkable last night.  The very thing I have consistently said I am dead against.  The very thing that makes me cringe when I think about other people doing it.  The very thing I have judged many a mom for doing...

I let my baby cry last night. 

Scream, in fact.

For a good 20 minutes.

We plain and simply cannot do what we have been doing any more.  It doesn't make sense.  Our child is tired, we are tired and our house is a disaster.  There is a makeshift bed on the floor of every room in our house.


Joey went down around 9:00 and woke up screaming at 11.  He did not need anything.  He did not require a change of clothes, a bottle or a blanket.  He had a nice clean diaper, his baba was in bed with him (full of water, not milk, give me a break) and he had plenty of blankets and his own personal heater on in his room.  He wanted to snuggle. 

Now, snuggling is fine.  Except for the fact that Rick and I work every single day.  I understand there are things that are extremely important with the whole skin to skin cuddle connection stuff.  But people also need to understand that we will be homeless if I don't go to work every day.  And having a home trumps cuddling.  In addition, he is 1.  He got a whole years worth of cuddles and sleepless nights out of us. 

So he screamed.  From about 11 to 11:20. 

And at 11:20 it stopped.  It faded to a light whine and then to snoring.

Just like that.

Then came the screaming at 2 a.m..

And I went in and slept on his floor with him until morning.

The 20 minute test, while essentially in vain because of the aforementioned floor sleeping, did teach us something. 

It is possible for him to get back to sleep without us.  It is going to take an act of Zeus, but we will conquer this, we will get our routine back and if that means we are shitty parents, then so be it.  At least I will be a well rested shitty parent.

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Like father like son

It starts out all innocent....

It's a fort!! Made of cushions and blankies, in the shape of an awesome circle around our coffee table. Perfect for tiny men in diapers.

Then it happened.....

Dunnn dunnnn dunnnnnnn

Luckily this time it was Rick who blasted his domey and not Mr. Joe.  But it just goes to show nothing can be normal in our house.  Nothing is safe from destruction, pain, blood and torture. 

Our comfy fort made of soft pillows, couch cushions and furry blankets can lead to head trauma.

This is where Joey gets it.  It's not like I had any doubt Joey was Rick through and through, but common!!  Blood....from a awesome round of fort making!!!!!!!!

Two peas in a pod.