Wednesday, March 23, 2011

My misconceptions about babies and motherhood

You will love your baby 100% of the time the most you could ever love something, EVER.  Not true, folks, NOT TRUE.  Rick and I often joke of punting Joey off the balcony or mailing him away or sending him to an orphanage.  Let’s get real people, your baby sucks sometimes.  Mine sucks a lot.  He produces liquid in mass quantities from various sites on his body, screams and wants to play at 2:30 am and has acid reflux and heartburn like an 80 year old man.  He, for lack of a better word, sucks.  Obviously not all the time, or we really would punt him like a football, but a lot of times I want to rip my face off and cut my body up into tiny pieces in hopes he will find it amusing and stop making noise.

Another thought I had going into motherhood was the existence of this super awesome "new baby smell."  From what I understood, babies were supposed to smell nice.  Like heaven or apple pie...something marvelous.  My baby smells like vomit and sour milk.  All the time.  Don't believe me?  Smell his hands, I dare you.  Sometimes there is even the lovely smell of urine and hot squishy poop.  I don't know if I got jipped, and my baby is the only baby that has never really had a good smell to him, or if this is what all babies smell like, and the whole new baby smell thing is a joke.  Are you all laughing at me?  Did you know there was no such thing....?  And, for those of you who are thinking the obvious, "do you ever try giving him a bath?"  Yes, we bathe him, often.  He is just a stinky child....he gets it from his father, I assume. 

I also love the "I will never do (this)" thoughts that used to go through my head....I will never change my baby on a public bathroom floor, I will never leave my kid alone in his room to yell and talk with himself while I go back to bed, I will never turn the music up in the car to drown out his screams from the backseat, I will never let him suck on a binky after its been on the floor, I will never give my kid formula, I will never let my kid sleep with me, I will never let my baby wear a pukey/spit up on onesie (have you ever tried to get a onesie off a baby with a big head? My child has a big head, unless there is poop or pee on that thing, its staying on). 

Everything I thought about babies, everything I thought I would and would not do has completely gone out the window.  Joey wins, we lose.  He's right, we're wrong.  Just when we think we've mastered him, he completely changes the game.  He is the most complex little creature in existence and as much as I hate to admit it, it's my fault.  It's his father's fault he's smelly, but totally my fault that he's complex and multidimensional.  He is MY child after all.

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